visions

NEW PICTURES UP!
Click on the "My Photos" link on the righthand side of this page, then once my photo albums come up click on the newest link "LT07 Trail Ridge Rd"

Wow! So everyone in the LT program is reading a book called "Chazown" by Craig Groeschel. This book has been amazing, and answered a huge prayer about what direction God is taking me and what He wants for my life. My vision. Over the past couple of weeks I've been reading and working with what the author calls these intertwining circles of my "Core Values," "Spiritual Gifts," and "Past Experiences." Today I only got about 5 pages in the book because I'm at the point where the author talks about putting these circles together and looking at how they all fit together to form God's vision for my life. That's why I only got 5 pages in today!!! It's ridiculously sweet and scary at the same time to see how everything fits together. It's even beginning to change my dreams for my life. Into God's dreams. I'm really nervous and hesitant and questioning God a lot because some of these dreams seem larger than life, and I'm scared of the failure, or that they won't come to life, and I'll be left lost and longing for more. This is just another step of trusting God more and letting go.

If you haven't already, I seriously encourage you to go get this book and read it for yourself. It's a really great book about God's vision (chazown) for our lives, and you'd be surprised at how well it relates to you INDIVIDUALLY.

in the cocoon

Yes indeed it has been a long time. What happened to the "I'll update nearly everyday" promise? Haha. It's been a crazy week around here! I don't even know where to begin! The last post was from when I was struggling in a situation with another person, but God used that to break down some walls in my own life. God's been doing a work on me in different areas of my life just about every week. As we have previously seen, worship, music, and my music as a ministry was one of the areas worked on. This past week, with that last entry, God really wanted to work on a lot of my insecurities that I have and trust issues that I have with people. I tend to have a hard time trusting people and I like to joke around a lot with people to keep them at bay, so that I don't have to talk about anything serious. Another problem I have, which happened in this particular situation, is to retreat when someone else hurts me, drop them before they drop me. This was really a struggle for me, because I like my walls. My 'secure walls of insecurity' as I called them. I knew what to do in a given situation when I was hurt, I knew how to react to keep myself from getting hurt, those sorts of things. God said, "Hey we're going to work on this." And, again, I said, "No, I don't think so, this hurts, this is how I feel safe and comfortable, I don't think so." So I woke up Saturday morning, and couldn't breathe. I called off work, thinking I had a sinus infection. A visit to the nurse's station showed that it was really bad allergies to pollen. I've never had an allergy problem before in my life!!! So, knowing it was God, I slept all afternoon, and refused to open up. I went to The Rock that night, and Drage talked about none other than "Life Transformation." So Sunday morning through intense prayer with Jenn I finally allowed God to knock down my walls, and free me from the chains I had tried to put on myself. Galatians 5:1 definitely has a whole new meaning for me now!!! Since then I've been feeling a bit lighter, and a lot freer. And the situation I had been struggling with with my friend... I gave it to God, and He blessed, and my friend and I are doing just fine now.
Work's been going great too! On Monday Beth and I thought it would be a great idea to sculpt something out of leftover cream of wheat. We ended up making a cream-of-wheatman.... a snowman. Our manager thought it was hilarious, we left a note on it saying "Merry Wheatmas Rich" and left it in the pantry for him. Wednesday we had an amaaaaazing Project Day! We had Lifegroups in the morning then in the afternoon we went down and did the Low-Ropes course. The Low-Ropes course is a series of team-building activities mostly. It was very awesome, and very scary at the same time. It was definitely a test from God without the walls of insecurity that He had knocked down. One of the activities we had to do was to stand on these low cables with a partner and push on each others weight and see how far we could make it to the other side, while the ropes got further and further away from each other. The scariest one for me was we had to lie on the ground with 4 people on either side of us, and one person holding our heads, and they lifted us up to chest height, and then up above their heads and then back down to the ground. It was scary, but definitely rewarding, because it just shows how amazing God is, because He knocked down my walls! We also took a spiritual gifts test after that, ate dinner and went up Trail Ridge Road all the way to the top. Trail Ridge is the highest paved road in the country. It was absolutely beautiful! We watched the sun set there and came back down. There will be about 70 pictures from that excursion up under "My Photos" soon.
Yesterday consisted of some random hiking around, and playing/practicing of an Irish tin whistle I acquired (...or purchased...). I also went to Loveland, to Walmart, with Nick and Ashley, from Eau Claire. It was a little uncomfortable at first (I don't think they knew I was uncomfortable) because I wasn't with any BG people going somewhere outside the Y. I still had a pretty good time, and talked to Dad for a half hour while I got more allergy pills, and other assorted objects needed for my upkeep and comfort. Last night Drage talked to us about "Purity." If you haven't already guessed, this is the next thing God's working with me on. Sexually, I'm pure, but emotionally.... yeah, not so much. Emotionally, I'm a mess. And, I've heard a lot of people at BG talk about purity, saying, "Even if you've messed up to this point, you can still start over fresh." I've wanted to so bad, but I don't know how to heal from it. I'm meeting with Michelle Klunke, she's a staffer wife from ISU, and she talked to us girls last night about being an emotional mess earlier in her life. I just want to talk to someone, and heal, so that I can take that step to starting over again. Because in the past, every time I've tried, I've just fallen flat on my face again and again.
It's funny because God's been working on the things I'd least expected to work on this summer. But, I know that it is going to make me a lot stronger and build my faith and my focus on Christ. And so, as much as it hurts, I know that it is going to be amazing in the end. I'm ready for some more life transformation.

Not together

I feel sick inside
Thrown back in time
Hurt someone, said something
What can I do to make it right
Deep down I know
It's not really my fault
I shouldn't hurt this way
But my insecurities
As they wash over me
I'm succumbing to it
I can't fight it now
And here I am
I want to continue
With trust and hope
What am I so afraid of
It's all different here
But I don't know that
On the inside
My fighting heart
Is hurting now
It needs forgiveness, reassurance
Of things it did and didn't do
Don't give up hope
There is a plan, there'll be a day
Don't give up on me yet

letting loose

Wow, I didn't know so many things could happen in one week! The past week has been ridiculously insane, with everything that has gone on! We'll start with last Thursday night, and work our way up to today:
Last Thursday night a few of us went over to Joe and Kelsey Testa's, our mentors, to talk and hang out. We ended up sharing our testimonies and talking about them. I finally openly shared about some struggles I've been having with my music, and playing. Constantly in high school I was torn down and told that I wasn't good enough, that I had no business being a music major, or playing violin, that I sounded awful, I wasn't good at what I did, etc. At one point, Joe point blank asks me what I want to hear from God this summer. Well, I've already had a goal of hearing from God a direction for my life. Joe just says, No, I think you need to hear that you are worth something, that you are a good musician and that is your gift, and that it is a ministry to other people. WOW! That whole night and the next day God kept speaking to me about it.

Last Friday after work, Beth, Rachel, Mitchell, and myself hiked up to the top of Eagle Cliff Mtn. (you'll find pictures from that under the My Photos link). Wow! What a view! That night we went to the Open Mic Night at the Rustic Cafe. For the first hour I couldn't even sit there because God kept speaking to me, very loudly and very audibly. Finally He said, Look you are worth something, I gave you the gift of music, and you've buried for far too long, and you're either going to hear Me and listen to Me, or you're going to keep running further and further from My blessings. Wow! I found Emily and we sat and talked for awhile and prayed about it, and I said, Ok God, if this is what I'm supposed to do, You'll provide. Not 10 minutes later Andrew shows up, asks me if I'm going to be playing, then asks if I want to do something with him. So I ended up finally playing in front of a group of people again at Open Mic Night. And it felt like God was lifting 1000 lbs of guilt, shame, disappointment, and inadequecy from my heart.

Saturday morning Taurence and I went to the Admin. building to hang out, and Matt and Rob found me and told me they wanted me to play Tues. night at the LT service. That was really awesome. Sunday I worked, and Monday after work Shelley, Beth, and I tried climbing Emerald Mtn. We got about halfway up on some HUGE rocks we climbed when a storm rolled in and we had to come back down. Tuesday was work, and then that night I played at the LT service. I didn't even feel like I was on a stage, or in Hyde Chapel, but like I was with God. Just me and God, and I was playing for Him, and it was beautiful. I felt free, very very free.
Yesterday was Project Group Day. We went to Summitview West, a Great Commission Church in Fort Collins, and served there cleaning and painting and helping them out. Their church is HUGE! And it's beautiful! Then, we went and had dinner at IHOP, my first meal outside of the YMCA, and it was amazing! We also went to Colorado State University in Fort Collins that evening, and did some evangelizing. There weren't a lot of people there in the evening, but those we came into contact with were the ones God sent our way. CSU has a beautiul campus!!! Today I slept in a fair amount, the most I've slept in while out here, and had lunch with Emily and Beth, Sarah, Brooke, and Casey. Then Emily and I hiked up Bible Point and spent the afternoon up there having some time with God (and getting a little sunburnt). It was glorious!
So, as you can see, it's been quite a busy week around here. Now, we'll get to some other good things.
pause... breath.....

Ok, so work has been a little trying in the past week. God's definitely been teaching me patience through my job. There's a lady that works with us, she's usually there in the mornings, and we've been having the hardest time working with her. She likes to do things her way, and we've been having some major communication problems with her because of this. So, needless to say, the encounters we've had with her while trying to get things done, haven't been so pleasant. A lot of us are very frustrated with her, and are trying our hardest to keep our cool with her.
On a good note with work, Monday I got put in the kitchen because they were understaffed and needed help. It was a lot of fun, and the supervisors and our general manager, who works as a chef back there on Mondays, really enjoyed having me around (or, that's what they told me at least). I got to make the chicken for lunch, which was a lot of fun, and help make food for dinner. What was really nice was on Tuesday morning when Roger, one of the chefs, made it a point to come out to the dining room and find me while working and tell me how much he appreciated me working with them on Monday and my enthusiasm and my spirit. That actually helped get me through Tuesday morning.

God's also been giving me some great time with some people one-on-one to talk and hang out in the evenings. The past few nights I've been up really late talking to people. Monday night Emily and I were out on the front porch talking about God-things and frustrations, and Nick, Joe, and Aaron were sitting on the other side of the porch playing music and talking about other God-things. Taurence was also out there with us for awhile. It was definitely a God-ordained night. Tuesday night after the LT service I was up really late sitting out on the porch talking with Joe and listening to him play guitar. We had a really sweet conversation about music, teaching it from the heart and not the head, and just different kinds of music in general. He's a really sweet guy with a passion for music. The stars were also beautiful that night, once it finally cleared up. We also had a good spiritual conversation too. He's not a Christian, but believes in God. And hangs around a bunch of LT people. Last night, I think may have been a favorite though. I was hanging out in the lobby with Beth and Emily when Nick walked in and we ended up sitting up pretty late into the night talking and hanging out. It was really cool because I've known him since my 2nd day here, but we mostly just talk and screw around at work teasing each other and making jokes (which is also one of my safety walls I put up too). But it was really cool to just have some serious conversations about life and stuff like that.

Oh! The website is up! For those of you who don't know, or don't remember, I'm a writer for an internet magazine me and my friends are starting, about bringing a shapeless God to our box-shaped culture. I encourage all of you to check out www.withoutconcept.com. There's only a few articles on the site now, but more will be coming!

Overall, God's been in everything that's gone on in the past week and it's been simply amazing. Hopefully I'll be able to keep up on here everything that goes on in the next week, too. Thanks for all the prayers and encouragement everyone, I really appreciate it!

winds blow, God moves

Hey everyone, I apologize if you couldn't view the last post I made! I was having some trouble loading things onto the site here, but everything should be in order now, so you can go view the previous post, and this one now!
This week has been really sweet, honestly. Tuesday, Shelley, Beth, and I all had AM shift, and when we got off we decided to go hike Eagle Cliff Mtn. Eagle Cliff is interesting, because there's no real path up to the top, you have to create your own. So up we went. We also discovered that CACTI grow up on the mountains!!! How weird is that? We had a good time creating our own path up the mountain, but we didn't make it to summit because a storm came in. I slipped and fell a couple of times going down on some rocks. The first time I rolled down some rocks, and bruised my wrist and hip. Shelley and Beth said it was a graceful fall, but that's still to be debated. Later that night I was about to come over here to the Admin. building for some God Time when... God intervened! I had an amazing spiritual conversation with my roommate, who is not a Christian, but practices Christian living better than half the Christians I know! She understands faith, love, and acceptance better than a lot of us do! Anyway, we were hanging out and I asked her if she wanted to come to our LT service, and she said sure. So did her boyfriend Eric, who has been hanging around us LTers A LOT lately! It was a good time! I had asked her later that night if she wanted to hang out with our Project Group on Wednesday, so yeseterday she came hiking with us and hung out with my Lifegroup. Project Day yesterday was AMAZING! We ate breakfast together and then took some time to write letters to ourselves about where we are now and what we wanted God to do in our lives over the summer and prayer requests we wanted answered. Then we hiked out to Moraine Park and buried the letters in a bag, and ate lunch out there and talked about evangelism. We're going to go to Ft. Collins next week and do some evangelism on the Colorado State University campus. Then we hiked back and had quiet times with God and Lifegroup time. Our Lifegroup went into town and got ice cream at the Malt Shop and talked more about evangelism and about relationships. It was really awesome. Steph (my roommate) came with us, and even contributed to our discussions. We sat and talked for about 2 hours and then walked around town and looked in some shops. There is the most amazing Irish/Celtic shop in town in the old church shops that is beautiful! They have all kinds of instruments and music, and clothing, and jewelry that is beautiful! Steph and I are probably going to go into town again soon and go there again. Then we came back and had dinner as a Project Group and sat in the Halletts lobby playing a game for the evening. It was a super-sweet day with some super-sweet people! Today's my day off for the week to myself, and so far I've been working on my articles for WithoutConcept.com and uploading pictures to this site. I'm hoping to read some more today and do some meditation and get some practicing in.
The weather here has been absolutely ridiculous!!! Yesterday it was sunny for half the day, then it started raining really bad and got really cloudy. And then the worst of it came. It started hailing and raining harder, and the wind picked up. All last night the gusts of wind that continually came were worse than anything I think I've experienced thus far in Bowling Green. There were huge gusts that made the all the windows in our staff housing rattle, the building itself constantly creaked and groaned, while outside the wind kept swirling the dust and dirt roads around in the air and blowing dirt everywhere. It also snowed last night!!! Yes, that's right... I SAW SNOW IN JUNE. A bunch of us were in the lobby when it started and all the A&M Aggies started cheering and getting excited and all the BG Falcons started groaning and complaining. Most of the Texans hadn't seen snow before... and us Ohioans have seen snow since October, haha. It was a good night, though.
Okay everyone, so this morning, I FINALLY uploaded all the rest of my pictures (some of which are from yesterday) so definitely scroll down and click on the "My Photos" link to check out some of the latest photos I've got up. That's about it for now! Keep praying for my roommate, Steph, and Eric, and for all of us out here at LT!

-shift

Everything here has been so busy it seems! Wow! The past few days have been work, time with God, and hanging out with amazing people. Saturday morning Beth B. and I ate breakfast and went and visited Courtney in the Craft Shop and made jewelry. That was definitely exciting. After work a huge group of us, like 18 people, played a few rounds of Mafia. It was hilarious! I got shot by a bow and arrow, Matt got blown up by fireworks, Taurence got stabbed in the head by the pick in his hair, haha. Sunday was probably the slowest work day ever! But, it was so much fun! We made an assembly line and passed everything 1 by 1 from trash and tray all the way to dish. We got a PAID 45 minute break because there was nothing to do. Then between 3 and 4 Lindsey and I sat around and read a Bible someone had left and talked and stuff. The rest of the night was similar, everyone just standing around and talking and goofing off. Last night after we all got off work a bunch of us hung out and played around on instruments. Two guitars, keyboard, a makeshift drumset (haha, pots and pans, milk crates, and a Coleman cooler), and my violin and a saxophone. It was awesome! I miss playing like that, just improving, from the heart. I guess what got me too was that people were jamming around and WANTED a violin. That never happens. It was so much fun! We're going to be doing a lot of that this summer! Today, was just work from 6am-2:30pm and a nice hot shower. This afternoon and evening there's going to be some amazing God-time going on. I'm thinking of walking around to the big boulder around the bend. I love it there. It's out by some cabins, but it's not really far from the staff dorms. It's really big and you have to climb up to the top, but once you're up there, you can see most of the grounds, and there's a BEAUTIFUL view of CCY, too.
Oh, I also got some stuff from my friend Mike, from high school. They're going to be starting an online magazine called WithoutConcept.com. It's about how people, through our perceptions and experiences, form opinions and conceptions of what we think God is or what He does, etc. Therefore, in doing so, we tend to put Him in a box, where He is safe and predictable, nothing out of place. Well, of course, we know this is not true at all. Mike sent me an email and asked me to be one of the writers of WithoutConcept.com, and I'm really excited about that. I miss writing, too. We'll just be writing about perceptions of God and the things of God that can sometimes be misconceptions. Please please PLEASE be in prayer for this as we get the site up and running in just a couple of weeks!
Thanks for all the prayers and messages! Keep 'em coming! I love you all!